Incurably Curious

Don’t Trash the Gash

Icon19-TrashtheGashIt has come to my attention that there are people out there who are genuinely concerned about the state of their minge. Like, actually. Not in a Daily Mail ‘My vagina ruined my life!’  kind of way, but in a real, properly a bit self-conscious about it kind of way. APPARENTLY some people are so anxious over the state of it they are having totally unnecessary surgery or having it bleached (!), which I just can’t get my head around. If you’re that stressed out by the colour of your crumpet then what happens when you get a cold sore? Or a monster zit? Or sunburn? You know, shit people are going to actually notice (and even then, probably not.) The mind boggles.

Anyway, worry not needless handwringers, I am here to assuage your fears! Because, although I am not a doctor, I can assure you there is absolutely nothing – NOTHING – wrong with your lady parts.

First off, unless your twat has a face or a thumb or anything else completely out there, you are not abnormal. Whether you’ve got a beautiful lotus flower or a sloppy Joe squooshed between your legs, it really does not matter that much. Let us consider the various people who may get an eyeful of your tuppence at some point:

1. Your parents. Don’t want to dwell on this too much as the thought makes me want to drown in my own vomit, but they have. Even your dad.

2. Medical professionals. Chances are you’ve had to bare your chuff to a nurse or physician on at least one occasion (and if not, why not?) and they have not only seen uglier muffs than yours but have also seen them oozing with pus, covered in blisters and also being stretched to breaking point by tiny people trying to climb out. If you are worried because one side of your gash isn’t perfectly symmetrical with the other, you are BEING RIDICULOUS. Count yourself lucky it’s something practically invisible that’s on the wonk and not, say, your nose, which everyone can see.

3. People who, frankly, are so ecstatic to be in a position where they can see it they literally could not give half a crap whether it looks like a perfectly formed strawberry macaroon or a beef and horseradish bap. There comes in time in every girl’s life when she realises that blokes actually do not register ANYTHING – not cellulite, not stretch marks, not wonky boobs – when they think they are going to get laid. My friend Carla put it best: “To be honest, once I’m naked I don’t give a fuck. As soon as I take my clothes off it’s too late for them and they’re just going to have to DEAL WITH IT.” Wise words, my friend, wise words.

Beauty therapists also get a special mention as they not only have to deal with a veritable smorgasbord of gash on a daily basis but also have to cover them in hot wax with a spatula before ripping the bejesus out of them. But I figure that anyone that concerned about their bikini zone would probably go down the DIY route rather than crack it out (no pun intended) in front of a wax-wielding stranger.

In summary, your flange may not be your most beautiful feature, but it doesn’t matter, because a) hardly anyone sees it anyway, b) the people who do don’t care and c) let’s be honest here, nobody’s exactly hiding an oil painting in their gusset. I remember once, for instance, in Year 6 Sex Ed the girls were told to go home and squat over a mirror as homework. I  remember the exact moment I stared down into the reflection, horrified, because it was without a doubt the day my childhood died. If you give a kid a Barbie doll and then tell her to check out what’s really going on, there’s definitely going to be an element of surprise. And by ‘surprise’ I mean ‘long-term trauma’. It looked like the Kraken. You know that scene at the end of Pirates of the Caribbean where the sea beastie lunges out of the ocean to swallow Johnny Depp and his boat? Yeah. Like that. But fewer teeth.

So don’t despair! Even if you’re not utterly enchanted by what nature gave you, it could be so much worse. You could be a bloke, and their junk is way nastier.

19 comments on “Don’t Trash the Gash

  1. Rachael C
    May 16, 2012

    You’re just too brilliantly funny!

    • Rachael C
      May 17, 2012

      I have to admit though in my experience guys can be douchey about how it looks – I had a guy friend who went around telling people this girl he’d slept with (another friend of mine) looked like a kebab from the night before….

  2. I am dying over here…too freaking funny!
    xxx

  3. Fashion Bandit
    May 16, 2012

    Tiny people trying to climb out…hahaha. as hilarious as ever Emily. And bloody true, down to the last word. X

  4. Jessica
    May 16, 2012

    HAHA! I didn’t realize how many words there was to describe a vagina! Too funny!!
    xx

  5. Camille
    May 16, 2012

    Em, me and the boy rolling around the floor here. Great stuff

  6. Joy
    May 16, 2012

    Oh Emily,you are too funny. Great post!!

  7. Carla
    May 17, 2012

    MATE>!>!?!??!! You make it sound like I had tricked men into encountering a MedusaMinge!?!? When, as you know, my lady garden is a fucking work of art. It belongs in the Louvre xxx

  8. This post it hilarious! Girls worry about everything. Sloppy joeee haha http://bellabellebeauty.blogspot.co.uk/ x

  9. El
    May 17, 2012

    Ten points for coming up with so many synonyms for vag:)

  10. Epiphannie
    May 17, 2012

    loooooool Em i’m dying right now loool

    You’ve got me sitting at my work desk laughing like a maniac

  11. e1aine
    May 17, 2012

    Many, many years ago I trained as a beautician and for some reason I got to do a lot of bikini lines in the very short time before I realised that I was, at heart, a librarian.

    Anyway, let me assure everyone out there that beauticians don’t know what they are supposed to look like either, so no one is judging. By the time you’ve seen so many you can recognise an unusual one, you really don’t care – and if you want to keep your customers, you don’t discuss them anyway. Flash it with pride girls.

  12. Sian
    May 19, 2012

    Oh gosh, this is amazing! So funny but yet oh so true! Perfectly put. xx

  13. siobhanjc
    May 20, 2012

    This made me laugh – but some guys are complete dicks about what it looks like. Those people are generally not worth showing it to.

  14. Pingback: Blog Every Day in May: Five Fave Blogs |

  15. Thank you for bringing it to my attention how many words there are for gash. You have made an excellent first blog impression with me and I am going to immediately follow :) Hannah x

    http://evewantedawardrobe.blogspot.co.uk/

  16. Hannah Rose
    June 5, 2013

    You are so funny, love it, actually crying with laughter. Can’t believe I only just discovered you now thanks to ruth crilly. Keep up the good work!

    • CuriousEmily
      June 5, 2013

      Hi Hannah,

      So glad you find it funny. :) Thank Ruth for me for spreading the word!

  17. shivs27
    October 9, 2013

    ‘It looked like the Kraken’ – hilair

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This entry was posted on May 16, 2012 by in Dating & Sex, Lifestyle, Things That Make Me Furious and tagged .

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