This post comes with disclaimer: I am not really a clubbing person. As a June baby, I was one of the last people in my year to reach that all-important eighteen-year milestone, so I only had three months of nights out in Milton Keynes’ thriving metropolis (er…the Oceana in the Snodome, now defunct). Giddy with the novelty of being able to buy my own Smirnoff Ices for the first time in my life, I failed to notice in that short time how utterly shite it was. If you have ever been unlucky enough to end up in one of Oceana’s sticky-floored dens of lower-class sluttery, you will know of its overpriced drinks, outrageous queues and tacky theme rooms. The highlight of the Milton Keynes branch was the ‘Parisian boudoir’, a small, dimly lit room upholstered in red velvet where discerning gentlemen could take obliging ladies for a quick hand-job and a couple of sticky fingers. Or a whole hand even, the local girls are known to be very accommodating.
Three months after becoming a legal adult I left home for university, which for most people would mark the beginning of a prolific clubbing career. Unfortunately, I went to university in Loughborough, which is basically Leighton Buzzard (small, unlovable town in Bedfordshire) with 20,000 boisterous students plonked down in the middle of it. Our nights out, although numerous, were more laid back than those of our city-dwelling contemporaries, and a decent fraction of them were spent in some elaborately constructed fancy dress. Through the twilight years of my academic career I was seen on various occasions rolling around campus dressed as the Queen of Hearts, Lady Gaga, Beryl the Peril, Wonder Woman, the Cheshire Cat, Alex from A Clockwork Orange, a leopard, a sheep, a playing card, a purple jellybaby, a zombie and a blueberry. If you ever need ideas for a bangin’ fancy dress costume on a budget of about £3.79, I’m your girl. Seriously, email me. I miss that shit.
Anyway, the point is I may not actually be in any way qualified to comment on what people should or should not wear to clubs. Every time we end up in one, always at the arse end of a night out, I just get all pissed off because the music is so loud I can’t talk to anyone (I have flat feet and as much rhythm as a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man. Needless to say, I’m more of a talker than a dancer). But no fear, I posed the question ‘what should I wear to a club?’ to Google and it directed me to this helpful article by the improbably named Noella Wynter at ClubPlanet.com. The article is quite long though, so if you’re in a rush I’ve consolidated it into easy, bite-size pieces:
“Going out is never just about going out and having a good time, it’s about going out and impressing people. And if you want to get in the club to impress people, you have to look the part.”
Have you been going out to clubs with the sole intention of enjoying yourself? Well, you’re doing it wrong. Although that is definitely important, your primary objective is to impress people. I know, I know, it’s news to me too; all this time I’ve been going out trying to have fun when really I should have been concentrating on this other much more important goal. If you’re unsure how to go about it, this handy guide, in partnership with Miss Wynter from ClubPlanet.com, will show you how.
“First things first: DO show skin if you’re a girl. Even if it’s cold, that’s no excuse as you can wear a jacket and then check it. Skin definitely gets attention.”
Hear that girls? There is NO EXCUSE not to get your skin out. Even if it’s -30 degrees, you should be wearing absolutely no more than three square feet of fabric. It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel comfortable leaving the house practically naked or if you’ve got more rolls on you than an elephant seal – clothes are for ugly boring people. Show the world you’re neither by wearing as few as possible.
“When it comes to shoes, DO wear higher-than-high heels. Not only will they get you noticed, you can scan the crowd for cute ballers in the VIP section. And once you get invited to a table, you don’t have to stand in your heels all night. DON’T wear stripper shoes though, that’s a bit much – unless, of course, you are a stripper.”
If you are not as streetwise as Noella and don’t know what a baller is, I can tell you that it’s an eligible bachelor with both brawn and cash (thanks Urban Dictionary!) Fair enough, you’re probably thinking. After all, what girl doesn’t want a wealthy muscle-man to look after her and buy her a different Juicy Couture tracksuit for every day of the week? And who doesn’t love guys with those delicious meaty back-of-the-neck fat rolls? I mean, sure, you might have to put up with the occasional battering and requests to conceal class A drugs up your cooch when you go on your holidays to Monaco, but no relationship is perfect, right?
I am totally with Noella on the shoes though. I mean, you simply must show some skin and wear ‘higher-than’high’ heels, but not stripper shoes! Good heavens, no. We are ladies, after all, we don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea.
“Skinny jeans, albeit hip, are unflattering on most body types. Unless you’ve got a twiggy figure, DON’T wear skinny jeans out to the club. If you’re aware they don’t look the greatest, you won’t be comfortable, and that’ll show through when you’re trying to have fun. DO wear a tight pair of bootleg jeans or even the “now” wide leg trouser jean. Sure, they’ve got wide legs, but a good pair will be tight around your rear, emphasizing your behind. And that’s what the guys should be looking at – like, a good stare, not a bad stare – when they watch you dance.”
WIDE LEG TROUSERS. You need to get some, because skinny jeans probably look shit on you. And if you look shit, you won’t impress anyone, and then you may as well have stayed at home! Tight, bootleg jeans though, that’s the ticket. You don’t like bootleg jeans? It doesn’t matter, they’re going to make your arse look totally fine, and that’s what counts. Guys SHOULD be looking at your arse, that’s a sign that you’re doing it right! After all, they’re only there to stand around and watch girls dance. But remember, it’s only GOOD staring you want, not bad staring. In fact, you should probably do some squats, just to make sure.
“Bags: Once you’re inside, you’re going to want to dance, schmooze and move. DON’T let a bag that can fit quintuplets drag you down as you meander about the club. DO bring a clutch that’s big enough to fit your wallet, lip-gloss and camera. No annoying purse strap to tug on throughout the night, and best of all, they’re so chic!”
Bags will get in the way of all the throwing yourself at men you’ll be doing on a night out, so try and get away with the smallest one possible. Obv you need your lip-gloss, for pouting, and a camera is essential. No night out is complete without at least 250 photos of you and your mates perfecting said pout in the bathroom mirrors. The wallet is for storing your condoms in – and take lots! – obviously those fit ballers will be buying your drinks all night so you won’t need any cash, but they’ll expect you to put out later on to make up for it, so be prepared!
“Dresses are such a cinch when it comes to clubbing – as long as it’s short and strappy, you’re good to go! DO stand out from all the other LBDs and wear a fun printed dress – try zebra or cheetah prints on for size, and keep the dress ultra-short without too much cleavage for maximum check-me-out potential.”
CHECK-ME-OUT POTENTIAL – do you have it? If not, you should seriously consider a fun printed dress in something ultra tasteful like zebra or cheetah print. You know who loves cheetah print? Cheryl Cole, and she’s the classiest bird ever. Aww, Cheryl, we love you! Obviously, the shorter the dress the better; full marks if you can flash a cheeky bit of under-buttock.
“DON’T worry about standing out too much. You came to the club to get noticed and have fun – what happens here stays here, so don’t worry about those photogs taking your picture. Oh, and just in case, DO wear underwear.”
Even though a whole legion of photog(raphers)s will no doubt be papping your fine ass all through the night, whatever happens in the club STAYS in the club, girlfriend! Go wild, but don’t forget to wear underwear just in case you fall over in your higher-than-high (but not slutty) heels and microscopic dress. Remember, you’re going for CLASSY, and it’s hard to be classy when you’re lying in a crumpled heap with your twat hanging out.
So, in conclusion: be nasty, but be a lady too. And don’t let anyone spaff on your dress.