There is a website called Realbuzz that you get automatically signed up to when you enter the ballot to run the Virgin London Marathon. Generally, it’s an active community of runners and fitness enthusiasts who use the forums to swap tips, encouragement and advice, which I think is great.
Unfortunately, at some point they decided to branch out and there’s now a whole section of the site about sex and relationships, which is like a swirling online cesspool of content that didn’t make it on to The Daily Mail’s online ‘Femail’ section because it wasn’t well-written, well-researched or interesting enough. I wouldn’t recommend going through every single article because a) it is soul-destroying and b) there are lots of them and you have better things to do, but you don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes (or even fully conscious) to notice that everything you do read is written – poorly – with exactly the same voice, though riddled with contradictions.
Sort of like the Bible, I guess, but, you know, less deep.
Anyway, it’s the most potent crock of shit I’ve seen since I last bothered to read Glamour magazine (last year, when they were giving away a free Benefit mascara with every copy). The only explanation I can think of as to why an otherwise helpful website would publish such bollocks is that they got an intern in for a few months, gave them a project to keep them busy and then forgot about them. Meanwhile, the intern, drunk with power, went berserk and started to rehash every Cosmopolitan article they’d ever read in the hopes of kick-starting a prolific writing career.
Anyway, because before Christmas I was holed up at home with a chest infection, I have actually read almost every single article, and I think I’ve found a favourite. I mean, it was a tough decision; I particularly liked the one about ‘How to Pull Your Colleague‘ (top tip: “stare at them”). This does contradict slightly the advice given in the ‘Ten Worst Places to Find a Man‘ article, which emphatically says not to shag anyone in the office (or anyone you meet at a funeral, in a lingerie shop or outside a strip club), but never mind. The clear winner, though, is the well-researched, thought-provoking and not-sexist-at-all ‘Seven Things Men Find Unattractive About Women’:
Unattractive Female Habit 1: Being Too Drunk
We all love a girl who knows how to have a good time but when she’s had such a good time that she’s slumped over a bar with her knickers tucked into her skirt and toilet paper trailing from her shoe, it’s not attractive and it doesn’t make us want to walk over and kiss you in a “hands off folks – she’s mine” kind of manner. You ladies also have the tendency to speak so loud that you drown the music out in a loud bar when you’re drunk. There’s nothing wrong with getting merry, but when everyone starts looking at us because we’re with “that drunk woman” who is putting her skirt over her head and laughing hysterically, it’s embarrassing.
I’ve been saying it for years; women should be banned from drinking in public. Our little livers just can’t handle it. It’s definitely happened to me before; I’ll go out for a drink with a nice chap and before you can say ‘white wine spritzer’, I’m dancing on the bar with my skirt over my head. I just can’t help it. It’s especially upsetting when I embarrass my date so much they don’t feel like walking over and asserting their ownership over me. Because, like, you know when you’re just having a normal conversation with someone in a bar and then your bloke comes along and interrupts by ‘marking his territory’, just in case the person you’re talking to decides to sling you over his shoulder and make off with you? Don’t you just LOVE that?
Unattractive Female Habit 2: Talking About Bodily Functions
Yes, we know we agreed not to keep secrets from each other but can we skip that rule on this occasion? The day we realised that women do ‘number twos’ was the day our world came crashing down, bringing all our sexual fantasies down with it. When you’re spending a long time in the bathroom, we like to think that it’s because you’re refreshing your makeup and hair. We could possibly – emphasis on the word “possibly” – stretch our imagination to think that you may be going for a tinkle, but we’d rather not. Please don’t talk about any of your bodily functions; leave topics about “the time of the month” and your bowel movements for your girl friends.
BODILY FUNCTIONS. Do you have them? If so, you are unattractive and not really a girl. I don’t know who let the cat out of the bag and told all the boys that actually we do occasionally need to “tinkle”, but I am mega-pissed off with them. Women haven’t been calling it a ‘powder room’ for centuries just for jollies, you know, we’ve all been banding together to maintain the façade. We’re sort of like the Magicians’ Alliance in that way.
Unattractive Female Habit 3: Excessive Body Hair
We associate body hair with testosterone and testicles so seeing it in excessive amounts on a woman can be quite a turn off. We know it’s painful to go through the rigmarole of waxing, plucking, epilating, and whatever other fancy hair removal systems you use (notice how we know all about this stuff because it’s one of those things you nag about?) but at least keep it trimmed so it looks presentable.
Body hair is associated with bollocks, so if you’ve got any then you’re a bollock too. Just one, enormous, human-sized testicle, swinging pendulously in the breeze. That’s logic, see. Keep it tidy, ladies! You wouldn’t leave a cake un-iced or your rosebushes untrimmed. It’s about PERSONAL PRIDE. Obviously, men aren’t under the same obligations to keep themselves pruned. In fact, it’s not recommended, it makes them look like a bit of a poof. We girls like it when they get a mouthful of short curly ones, anyway, it’s so manly. Phwoar.
Unattractive Female Habit 4: Too Much Makeup
It’s great to take pride in your appearance and that goes for clothes, hair, and makeup too. If this is a first date, wearing minimal makeup to enhance your looks is sexier than the overdone look, in our opinion. If we’ve been together for a while, we love you no matter how much makeup you wear, but we’d prefer it if you kept it to a minimum. Purple, pink and green eye shadow with red lips? Someone pass my sunglasses. We go in for a kiss and end up looking like a clown from the circus and it isn’t a good look for either of us. Ladies, if you insist on wearing that much makeup, please refrain from snuggling up on our shoulders – that’s my favourite white shirt you just stained with your makeup.
Nothing turns a man off like an unkempt minge, but above the shoulders they prefer women au naturel. Well, unless you’ve got a ‘tash, orang-utan eyebrows or acne, of course, in which case you need to cover that shit up, stat. The other stuff, like lipstick, is all very well and good, but when men “mark their territory” (see above) it’s well annoying for them to constantly have to wipe our war paint off their favourite white shirt. I mean, obviously we’re the ones who get to wash and iron it later, because laundry is women’s work, but they’re the ones who have to wear it in the meantime. So show a little respect, yeah?
Unattractive Female Habit 5: Belittling Us
We can just about cope with being called “snuggle bunny” and “baby boy” but when you belittle us to the point that we look stupid in front of other people, that’s one step too far. Don’t correct everything we do and say as if we don’t know anything. Just because we do things differently to you, that doesn’t mean that your way is right.
Ladies, men don’t like it when we correct them or tell them what to do. Even when they’re actually wrong, it’s emasculating to have us tell them that, and it makes us look like bitches. Also, try and keep your lame pet names as butch as possible. I mean, I guess most guys will put up with the nice, cute names like “Snuggle Bunny” because it makes us happy (bless ‘em!), but if you really want to keep your man, maybe trying calling him something a little less cutesy? Suggestions: ‘Jizz Wizard’, ‘Superman’ and ‘Doctor Girth’.
Unattractive Female Habit 6: Swearing
We can forgive you the odd cheeky swear word, but when you’re effing and jeffing like there’s no tomorrow it can be a real turn-off for some men. We like our ladies with a touch of class and cramming your vocabulary with swear words doesn’t quite ooze sophistication. What’s wrong with using normal words to express your feelings? Dictionaries and thesauruses are brimming with options – take your pick. We’re not suggesting that you express your feelings using sentences such as “I am feeling ever so disenchanted” or “I’m awfully embittered by this” but saying something along the lines of “I am flipping angry” or “this is blimming frustrating” are much nicer replacements for sentences packed with foul words.
ROAD TRIP, girlies! We’re going to Waterstones to pick up a thesaurus, which is a book of every word there is and the different words you can use instead (I think they’re called ‘synonyms’). I know it’s difficult when there’s so much effing and jeffing on the telly, but men absolutely HATE it when we use their curse words. It’s a special man language (‘manguage’?) that only they can use. Women using swearwords is a lot like a buttercup holding a machine gun: FLIPPIN’ RIDICULOUS. Here’s a list of acceptable, feminine alternatives:
- What the fudge!?
- Shut the front door!
- Holy heck.
- Good gravy.
- Holy cow.
- Mother Hubbard!
When someone next cuts you up on the motorway, try to refrain from calling them a ‘cockmunching butt handle’ or ‘cock-juggling thundercunt’ (thank you, Ryan Reynolds) and instead use a more gender-appropriate insult. ‘Numpty’, ‘dipstick’ and ‘naughty sausage’ are all awesome, adorable alternatives.
Unattractive Female Habit 7: Nagging
We’ve spent long enough silently moaning to ourselves about how annoying women are when they nag, that we’re taking this opportunity to get it off our chests once and for all. We can’t usually raise it in conversation you see, because no matter how delicately we approach the idea that you might possibly annoy us when you nag, we will be sentencing ourselves to even more endless nagging about pointing out that your nagging is getting too much. You nag at us for leaving the toilet seat up, you nag at us for “not caring”, you nag at us for not shaving for a few days… sheesh. Would you prefer us to go to the toilet sitting down? Would you prefer us to be over emotional? And perfectly groomed? Then you’d nag at us for not being manly enough. Three words: we can’t win. Don’t mess with how nature intended men to be, and we won’t mess with how nature intended you to be. If you can’t handle that, then maybe you should be dating women. Sorted.
Do you a problem with the toilet seat being left up? Maybe you shouldn’t be going out with men then, you’re clearly too emotionally immature and whiny to be a heterosexual. Go and find some other whinging bitches to hang out with, you big lesbian. You may think that asking someone to do something for you nicely is reasonable, but asking anything of a man is disrespectful and an insult to his rightful place of head of the household. If you do, your bloke will either leave you or become a namby-pamby mummies’ boy who tinkles sitting down and uses your hairdryer, and nobody wants that. (And if you do, maybe you should be dating women. Sorted.)