Incurably Curious

I Am Summer Scrooge

HeatwaveI hate summer. Or rather, I hate this foul, oppressive heat we’ve been having lately. My make-up evaporates in less than an hour, I haven’t worn nice shoes in over a month, and I’m spending most of the nights writhing around torturously in a fruitless bid to fall into a sticky sleep. You can’t even cool down properly, either, because water warms up in a matter of minutes and an ice cube in this weather has as much chance as a toad under a steamroller.

Obviously, the heat wave we’ve been enduring isn’t normal weather for our sad, wet little isle. If this happened every year then the whole country would be kitted out with proper air conditioning (i.e. I wouldn’t have to put my pyjamas in the freezer). British summers tend to be washed-out affairs that are best described as ‘a bit cloudy – best bring a jumper just in case’. While our Mediterranean friends are taking extravagant naps after lunch and whitewashing everything they own, the UK is permanently engaged in low-level battle between the elements and 60 million people genetically disposed to Making the Best of Things. I have memories from being very young and visiting my grandparents in Southampton for a week in the summer holidays. It almost always rained, but we still went to the seaside. My sister and I, too young to feel the cold properly, would run around on the deserted beach and play in the rock pools while my grandparents sat in the car reading The Telegraph, occasionally venturing out – swaddled in two fleeces, a mackintosh, gloves and a hat – to ensure we hadn’t impaled ourselves on a sea urchin or accidentally swallowed one of those mashed-up crabs you always find on English beaches.

Indeed, our quiet defiance in the face of consistently miserable weather is one of the cornerstones of Britishness. All over the country, village newsletters are filled with items about local fêtes and school fairs (or ‘fayres’, if you live somewhere terribly posh and olde worlde), conscientiously written up by earnest, community-minded retirees, probably with that unique kind of one-fingered typing adopted by anyone old enough to remember the Blitz. “The forty-fifth Little Hambleton annual plant fayre was a great success, ” they tap out painstakingly on Microsoft Word 95, “despite the rain, which did not dampen our spirits.”

When we do get the nice weather, though, the whole country goes absolutely fucking mental. Frisbees are dusted off, the nation’s entire fleet of ice cream trucks mysteriously increases tenfold overnight, and hordes of people can be seen sprinting into Boots to buy Soltan by the armload (somewhat optimistically, I always think, as no British person at any time has ever used up an entire bottle of sun cream before it went all yellow and weird smelling). Even reputable broadsheets can’t resist gleefully putting a photo of people sunbathing in Hyde Park on the front page. And almost everyone is in a good mood.

Unfortunately for me, bitching about hot weather in the UK is more or less considered high treason by sun-starved Brits. I usually counter that the heat is bearable if you don’t have to go to work and can just sit in a park somewhere slurping down fizzy wine in a sippy cup (this is actually a lie. On Sunday I stayed indoors all day, sprawled on the living room tiles with all the windows open and a bag of frozen sweetcorn as a pillow.) It blows my mind that people pay good money to go somewhere else to sit on a beach somewhere and cook themselves. Admittedly if I were the type of person who could return from a week in the Costa del Sol with a perfectly even tan I might feel differently, but I’m not. My poor skin, more delicate and ghostly than Robert Pattinson’s inner thighs, burns to buggery as soon as the sun even sticks its fiery bastard head out from behind the clouds for five minutes. When I used to read Enid Blyton raving on about how the Famous Five would return from their jolly school hols ‘as brown as berries’, I used to wonder what the fuck mental berries she was banging on about; the only kind I ever resembled after a megadose of vitamin D was a strawberry. Even if you do tan, though, who actually enjoys the feeling of the sun beating down on them, the feeling of their skin actually roasting? Fucking everyone, apparently. Except me.

Heatwave2

Beaches too, are overrated. It has always baffled me how anyone in their right mind would voluntarily get into a gigantic pool of fish and piss. And the sand. The fucking sand! I hate sand as much as any sane person can hate a collection of sedimentary particles ranging in size between 0.0625 and 2mm in diameter. And it gets absolutely fucking everywhere, as attested by my grandmother, who once told me a horrific story of how a romantic tryst on a beach had once resulted in her “getting sand up her chuff”.

Ironically, the last time I went on a beach holiday it was too hot to actually go on the sand. It was 45C, which was hot enough to heat it up to an unbearable temperature . Even in flip flops you had to tread carefully, lest you kicked the sand – as hot and painful as cigarette ash – up on to your feet. Needless to say, I came home looking like a pork scratching. Towards the end of the holiday, I remember waking up every morning to find myself lying in a pile of my own dead, flaked off skin. It was absolutely fucking grim, but not as grim as the German lady I saw oiling herself up on the beach on the last day. She was middle-aged and slender, but her skin was as tough and leathery as the bastard offspring of a human raisin and an elephant’s knee. She was so saggy and wrinkled she could absolutely have gone to a Halloween party two months later as a giant scrotum simply by turning up bollock naked (ha!) She was terrifying, a human figure made of petrified mahogany. The only reason why I didn’t tackle her to the ground and confiscate her tanning oil was because I hadn’t yet learned ‘Good GOD, woman, GET OUT OF THE SUN YOU ARE A TUMOUR ON LEGS’ in GCSE German. Perhaps she is where my morbid heliophobia comes from, but to be honest, anyone who has seen this photograph of me will understand.

Get new posts delivered straight to your inbox, piping hot and full of vitriol, by adding your email address to the ‘Follow Blog’ box on the right-hand sidebar.
Alternatively: Facebook! 

14 comments on “I Am Summer Scrooge

  1. ainegriffin
    July 19, 2013

    Irish and definitely feel the same. Honestly and truly we’re just not built for any other weather but vague sogginess. Yes I like a bit of sun as much as the next person but I’m very tired of being very tired and trying to sleep in the heat.

    Also hate sand! You’re completely right!

  2. megbenj
    July 19, 2013

    I’ve lived in Massachusetts my entire life, and don’t remember a summer as hot as the one we are having now! I loathe the heat – anything above 80 plus the humidity crap we always have hand in hand with the heat … I’m all set! Been running our little AC unit in one room seems all day every day, not feeling very “green” about that but otherwise, no sleep, and feeling sticky and disgusting.

    Being predominantly Northern European in heritage (Finnish, Swedish, English, French, and a teeny bit of Native American that I obviously missed the boat on) I burn with the littlest sun exposure despite wearing 50+ SPF. Love the beach but can only go for a few hours and that means bringing umbrella, hat, sunglasses, cooler, covered chair and all that BS. I prefer the beach on overcast, cooler days.

    This is our third or fourth heat wave so far – I can’t wait to see snow again (blasphemous for a New Englander to say supposedly) but BRING IT ON.

  3. Chelsea
    July 19, 2013

    The thing I’ve hated most about this stupid heatwave is convincing yourself that this will be (NEEDS TO BE) the last day of it but the next morning the poxy ball of fire is out again. Then the radio tells you that “the worst is yet to come”…

    Just give us a big grey cloud or two, PLEASE!

    • CuriousEmily
      July 20, 2013

      I think we might get our wish today – 24 degrees and cloudy here in London. :)

      • Chelsea
        July 20, 2013

        Oh, I’m so very jealous of you! I’m in Glasgow – it’s to be 27 degrees today… Not a cloud in sight.
        :(

  4. Jessica Brown
    July 21, 2013

    THANK YOU. I felt completely alone before I read this. But now I’m going to put my pyjamas in the fridge (best tip ever – thank you) and embrace the fact that I too hate hot weather!

    • CuriousEmily
      July 21, 2013

      Fingers crossed it’ll peter out soon – we’ve had three weeks already of incessant sunshine, it can’t keep this up!

  5. Maria
    July 21, 2013

    I feel your pain, I HATE heat and I burn even with Factor 50 on, this heat is NOT for me!

    Maria xxx

    • CuriousEmily
      July 23, 2013

      We need to start a support group for ultra-pasties. :( x

  6. Mer
    July 31, 2013

    You should talk to my poor Irish boyfriend. We are in Madrid (yep, I’m one of those Mediterraneans, only I don’t nap and I wear mostly black), and he almost had an rage induced aneurysm the other day when reading on Facebook the statuses of his friends back in Dublin complaining about the weather. Pictures and pictures of them in shorts and flip-flops, tanning in the park because it got to 22C, and there we were, at 37C, no beach, no pool, going to H&M just to take advantage of the AC, too broke to leave the city.
    I hate this weather, but at least I’m used to it!

    (I found you thanks to GOMI and I’m completely in love with your blog. I plan on staying up reading it from beginning to end tonight.)

    • CuriousEmily
      July 31, 2013

      Christ, I feel awful for him! I’d be a right cranky arsehole if I were in his position, I’ve more or less bitched and moaned constantly since it started hotting up in the UK! Poor sod. I hope it cools down a bit for you guys soon and he gets some respite, 37 is horrific!

      Haha, glad you like it! Hope you didn’t stay up too late, I do ramble on a bit.

  7. Gemma Middleton
    October 19, 2013

    I actually live in Australia so it’s pretty hot most of there year! When I tell people I hate summer, it’s basically the equivalent of me saying “I hate happiness, smiles, rainbows and chocolate”. Haha I am basically disowned as an Australian, but my British skin just can’t handle the heat. And it makes me angry!

    • CuriousEmily
      October 21, 2013

      God, I’m glad someone else gets heat rage as well! The sun makes me not just angry but full-on, hulk-smash furious. I once punched through the glass of my parents’ front door banging on it because it was high summer, I needed a piss and nobody opened it quickly enough.

  8. Chelcie Morris
    April 22, 2014

    I’m just like you, I loathe the sun and heat. I always wear suncream and often get called weird for not liking the sun. I’m sorry, but burning under the hot sun until you look like a lobster isn’t a look I’m going for. And the HEAT! God the heat is unbearable. Whenever it’s summer, I just wish I could take a trip up to the north pole and lay on the ice. I bet that feels nice.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on July 19, 2013 by in Lifestyle, Money, Things That Make Me Furious and tagged , , , .

Twitter:

  • Watching The Little Shop of Horrors for the first time. Thought it was like the Triffids. It's not. It's a singing, 8-legged bell-end. 7 hours ago

Live in London?

Curious London is my new blog for people looking for quirky shit to do in the capital.
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,130 other followers

%d bloggers like this: