Show This To My Kids
To us, our parents were never young. Fuck, they barely existed before they found their true purpose in life (i.e. giving birth to us). Occasionally a relic from the past gets thrown up – a photo, or a love letter, or an anecdote from our grandparents – but it’s hard to comprehend they once they were the same age as us. Drank as much as we do, dicked around as much as we do. I sometimes wonder if this will change now that kids will be able to start tracing their parents’ lives back via social media channels. The next generations will be able to see how their parents grew up from Facebook and Instagram timelines, fleshed out with status updates and tweets. Fucking terrifying in anyone’s language, especially if you chat a load of shit like me.
I don’t plan on having children. Mainly because I don’t like them. To be fair, I’ve never been near, held or had a proper conversation with a small child. I vaguely remember being handed my baby sister when I was three and wondering how I could best nip my new nemesis in the bud without getting shouted at or made to go to bed early, so maybe it’s just fear of the unknown. However, I appreciate these things change as we get older. Future sprog, if you’re reading this, congratulations! You’re probably the result of a long-dormant biological clock finally rearing its ugly head, overriding years of happy childlessness.
In addition to all the online crap you can sift through for some primary evidence of how much of an arsehole I am, I’d also like to pass on something useful. So far it’s taken me 24.5 years to accumulate these pearls of wisdom so I may as well shit them all out in one place where you can find them. Why I can’t teach you this stuff myself I’m not sure, but my memory is already fucking awful and I’m only in my mid-twenties. Perhaps I’m not around for some reason, or dead. (Fuck, this is all getting a bit heavy. Seriously, apologies for creeping you out if I actually am though.)
- There are some people in this world who will try to tell you that cooking rice is a great art. That it is difficult, that you should buy a rice cooker. This is bollocks. You can do it in the microwave. Put it in a bowl of hot water and put a plate on top.
- Don’t buy individual eye shadows. You have to be a fucking lunatic to spend £13 on one pan of colour.
- Although condoms are essential safeguards against pregnancy and STIs, their most immediate benefit is preventing the hideous sensation of two hour old spaff running down the inside of your leg.
- Buy three pairs of a knickers for every matching bra you own.
- Very hot things do not necessarily look hot.
- Don’t forget to moisturise your neck. Otherwise you’ll be kicking around with a throat like a scrote and nobody wants that. People will be asking if we’re sisters and you’ll be well embarrassed.
- If you have a genius blow-dry moment in the evening and want to preserve your masterpiece, wear a pair of decent tights on your hair. Tie under the chin to secure. You’ll look like a total twat but it’s worth it.
- Do not under any circumstances try to use brown packaging tape as a DIY alternative to tit tape.
- Always buy the best boots and bed you can afford. If you’re not in one, you’re in the other.
- Choose obscure modules at university if you want to. So far nobody has given me a job based on my specialist knowledge of Satire, Romanticism, Victorian Literature or 18th Century Poetry.
- Only boring people get bored.
- The proper way to break in new shoes is to soak them in leather softener, put on two pairs of ski socks and wear them to bed.
- Get everything in writing in case things go tits up and someone tries to savagely buttfuck you afterwards. They’ll do that. Trust nobody.
- Don’t be the kind of person who ditches all their mates for a shag. Or the promise of regular shags indefinitely. Even if the laddie/lass turns out to be the love of your life, father/mother of your children, etc, everyone else will hate you for being such a massive flaky let-down. And when you break up and have to crawl back to them you’ll feel like a right wally.
- Don’t bother reading Wuthering Heights. It’s shite. Heathcliff isn’t the dashing romantic figure you think he is; he’s actually a raging alcoholic, lunatic, wife-beater and necrophile. Watch the film instead (I did three essays on this throughout my academic career without ever reading the book and never got less than 71%).
- No matter how misunderstood you feel, never ever put liquid eyeliner underneath your eye.
- Don’t buy shoes you can’t walk in (if you really love them, buy them but don’t leave the house until you can. The effect of the things will be ruined if you go stomping around in them like a trog.)
- I’m yet to meet a recruitment consultant who wasn’t a slimy prick.
- It’s not really cheating if you only pretend to drink playing Ring of Fire. Everyone cheats, it’s the only way to avoid being carried out of the club at 11:45pm by a bouncer, arse hanging out and half-choking to death on your own spew.
- Always wear knickers over suspender belts, not under. You’ll thank me later. But don’t actually thank me, because then I’ll know why and although I’d like to feel like I’d be an awesome cool mum I think it would probably actually ick me out.
- I’m a tall girl and I like tall guys, so you’re probably going to be tall too. If you are a girl, ladies’ pyjamas will never fit you. The solution to this is dudes’ lounge pants in size XS. You’ll look preposterous and your clam will have a ridiculous amount of extra space to roll around in, but at least you won’t have chilly ankles.
- You’ll start to notice the pyjama problem some time during puberty, by the way, as if you won’t have enough to worry about. I spent most of mine researching what periods feel like on the dial-up* because mine took so long I phoned NHS Direct to rule out any possibility I might secretly be a dude. If this happens to you, don’t worry. Menstruation is one of the grossest, most obscenely unfair things in the world and proof, in my opinion, that God doesn’t exist. The later it happens, the better. (*Ye olde worlde internet connection. Google it.)
- No matter what the recipe says, always double the amount of lemon and treble the amount of garlic.
- Never put natural fibres, including wool, in the washing machine or dry cleaner’s. It fucks it right up. Wash it by hand with white wine vinegar.
- For some magical, unexplained reason, holding a pencil or wooden spoon in between your teeth when cutting onions will instantly stop you from crying. Don’t ask me why.
What tips would you pass on to your unborn spawn? Share your wisdom!
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